Several years ago sitting in my counselor’s office I was confronted with the self-talk I shared with her. She asked me who talks to me like that? I was embarrassed to be caught saying out loud such hurtful and demeaning statements and they were about me. There are no living humans who were speaking to me that way. Just me saying ugly words to me. 

Hearing my words made my awareness jump; I was cruel in my inner dialogue. She asked me what I would do if someone I love was being spoken to or about in the way I was speaking? I had a visceral reaction: I started shaking picturing someone talking to anyone I love using the words and inflections I used toward myself. I was gutted.

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No one hears your inner dialogue unless you slip up and call yourself a name out loud when you make a mistake. Or if you’re in your counselor’s office and share like I did. But not having a witness doesn’t mean the harsh words don’t matter. They do. Harsh words have mental, emotional and physical impact. Your inner dialogue matters.

Our brains are fascinating. We can shape our thinking by repeating thoughts; that’s how memory is formed. Math facts, reading, writing, and the stories we tell ourselves about what we can or can’t do, how capable or loved we are are all bundled up through our neurobiology. We can also limit our life by the stories we tell ourselves. 

Tara Mohr, in her book Playing Big , explains the role of our inner dialogue and gives two names for the ways we speak to ourselves: the Inner Critic and the Inner Mentor. Both of these roles have voices that can be helpful. The Inner Critic isn’t all harsh. At various points your Inner Critic has probably warned you in advance so that you didn’t fall in a hole or forget to pull up your pants before leaving the bathroom. The way your Inner Critic speaks to you doesn’t have to be harsh or extremely loud but for many women it is both. Mohr goes on to explain the voice of the Inner Mentor is usually quieter and more respectful of you. Since we all have both of these voices helping us through life, let’s give them characteristics like the emotions in the Disney/Pixar movie Inside Out. 

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Give your Inner Critic a color or style. Give her a name. What does her voice sound like? What does she most often speak up about? If she bought a car what kind would it be? 

Now do the same for your Inner Mentor. What’s her name? How does she dress? What does her voice sound like? When do you hear her voice? What kind of fun does she have?

Have fun with this activity. We’ll be visiting with your Inner Critic and Inner Mentor in the days ahead. They’re familiar with you; it’s time you become familiar with them.

Action step: use color pencils or crayons to write out the descriptions of your Inner Critic and Inner Mentor. Choose a color to match each voice.