The new year, the new decade is full of conversations and memes pointing to change. Change habits. Change pants size. Change careers. Set goals. Measure everything.

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All this planning and working the plan can be exhausting.

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Not to mention what happens in our heads if (or when) we don’t meet those goals or change those habits. The merry-go-round of harsh self-talk gets started and it’s hard to find a way to put on the brakes to stop listening to the inner critic.

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What if we stopped for a hot minute and examined expectations: those that others have for us, and those we have for ourselves, to see if said expectations are honest and true OR if they are unrealistic, legalistic and burdensome.

Not all expectations are created equal.

Some expectations we accept as they were handed to us as children. Here’s one: if you make a mess then clean it up. Not a bad cause and effect expectation. It is a helpful expectation but it’s not a rule in society.

When we live our lives by expectations that we ascribe to as rules, we can end up in conflict with others who don’t operate with the same set of expectations. When we take on the expectations of others for us without examining if they are true for us then we run the risk of carrying unnecessary burdens and believing this is how life is supposed to be.

Here’s another one: if you are a good, kind individual who pays their taxes, is faithful to your spouse and family, do all the right things, then your life will be easy and smooth.

As you read that you might think that is ridiculous. Yet I will tell you that there are real people who truly believe there is a cause and effect relationship with expectations. Psychologists call this magical thinking.

Expectation: what you believe or hope will happen in the future. Cambridge Dictionary

These beliefs do not dictate or guarantee outcomes. If your expectations involve other people and you’ve held those expectations based on what you hope will happen without communicating them to others, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. In fact, unrealistic expectations can skew our view of relationships.

Unrealistic expectations are the breeding ground for resentment. Steve Lynch

How do you know if you’re living with expectations that haven’t been realized which has led from disappointment to resentment and perhaps on to bitterness?

Check in with your heart.

Give yourself permission to sit quietly for even five minutes. In those minutes consider an expectation you have for yourself. What do you think of yourself when you haven’t met your own expectation? Perhaps you can identify an expectation you have for a relationship. What are you holding on to regarding the unmet expectation?

Here’s my professional opinion formed through observation in working with many individuals: unmet expectations are the breeding ground for resentments that hinder our ability to live the abundant life God offers us.

Can we let go of expectations?

I believe desires or expectations can be identified and clearly communicated to others. The communication of them doesn’t guarantee their fulfillment, but the expressing of desire and asking for what we want or need will bring the expectations into the light. I believe those expectations can then be transferred to plans or goals instead of keeping them in our head and to ourselves.

Learning to let go of unrealistic expectations, to let go of self-limiting beliefs, to let go of resentments formed through unmet expectations of others and self, is worthy work. It is challenging work that needs support.

Working with a coach is a great way to gain support and accountability for the change you want to make. You can schedule a complimentary coaching exploration session with me on my website. A free hour of coaching? What do you have to lose? A few unrealistic expectations or self-limiting beliefs. Sounds like a bargain to me!