Sitting alone in my front garden, tears streaming, I spoke out a question from deep within, “Don’t you see how hard this is for me God? Don’t You care?”

Photo by Ilkka Kärkkäinen on Unsplash

This frustration, this anger I was expressing toward God would garner correction in many churches. I’ve heard those voices tell others “oh no, you shouldn’t express those feelings or talk to God that way”. But at that moment, months after my father’s suicide, the depth of my grief had no bounds theologically. I was emotionally raw and just wanted to know. Did God see me? Did God care?

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed movement that attracted my attention. I turned toward it to see a hummingbird flitting from blossom to blossom on a salvia plant I chose from a nursery two weeks after the news of my dad’s death.

Photo by John Duncan on Unsplash

By invitation I accompanied my gardening mother-in-law on her quest for new plants as a distraction from my overwhelming reality. While aimlessly wandering the aisles of plants I saw a hummingbird working that particular plant. My dad and I shared a love of watching hummingbirds. He had two feeders on his patio. He took pictures of them, capturing the movement of their wings with his photography skills and would send the photos to me. Because of my dad, I bought the plant, brought it home and put it in the garden. This same plant in a new location was attracting another hummingbird. It made me smile.

As I stared, the hummingbird began to fly away from the plant moving in my direction. Not just in my direction, right in front of me, at less than arm’s length. The hummingbird hovered at eye level looking directly at me. It hovered and hovered and hovered.

Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

As it stayed there looking at me I began to weep. I realized in that moment that God did see me and He cared very specifically for me because He chose to use a hummingbird that was loved by both my dad and me as a symbol of His Presence with me, as a tangible reminder that I am seen, known and loved.

I had asked an irreverent question of the omnipotent God of the universe, which many would say was least of all disrespectful. Yet the God I know and love answered me as specifically as He had Moses, Gideon, Peter, and Mary to name a few who also sought to know God’s Presence, comfort, protection and care.

This story is personal, not prescriptive. It is also twelve years ago and yet as fresh in my memory as the moment I experienced it. I share it as an illustration of my own desire for more in my walk of faith. I believe God sees each of us as unique creations, therefore His care for each of us is not a one-size- fits-all checklist for us to work down in order to receive His attention. Each of us is valuable to God, redeemable as we are, messy, broken and yes, even angry with Him. Even if we don’t fully believe all that the Bible teaches, He will help us in our unbelief. (See Mark 9:24)

Are you desiring more in your faith? Call out to God right where you are, as you are. Let Him know your desire for more connection, more trust, more belief. I don’t know what His response will look like in your life but I know He will respond, in His perfect timing, and perfectly suited Way for you.

In a previous post I introduced a resource that many have found helpful in connecting more fully with God: Sacred Pathways.

This might be just the exploration you need to look for connection with God in deeper ways.

Action step: take the Sacred Pathways inventory. Find out your top two preferences. Try out the others as potential connections points with God.